Talk About One-Stop Shopping

Have you seen? Did you know? Let us look closer. Because it is not a small selection. This is no trifling thing. Amazon’s sex-toy department, it is simply a huge portion of the site’s Health and Personal Care area. The “Sex and Sensuality” section of the site contains a staggering 37,000 items with the Sexual Enhancers (that’s the toys, baby) subsection alone offering up a whopping 4,863 items — enough to satisfy an entire repressed evangelical congregation and terrify Alabama and make Lynne Cheney swoon and still have plenty left over for a long weekend with the entire cast of Hot Teen Slut Nurses IV.

And they’re not just selling “back and neck massagers.”

Nossiree. Amazon has not held back. Amazon has gone deep, penetrated the market fully, committed completely to the lubricious cause. Their store is all about high-end bondage gear and oral strap-ons and $150 sex swings and $300 leather harnesses. There is the Swell Guy Expanding Vibrating Butt Plug and Julie Ashton’s Anal Beginner Kit and any number of massive flesh-like dildos the size and girth and detail of which would make your mother blush and your sister swoon and Rocco Siffredi proud.

There is the Lube Pillow Pack and Impulse Orgasm Balls (Textured). There is the Large Black Licorice Little Flirt Pleaser Plug and Pocket Rocket and Crystal Clear Lady Finger Vibrator and Vibrating Egg Bullet Combo, all for only $14.99 (which, let me just say right here, appears to be one hell of a bargain). There are bottles of Hot Hooters Edible Warming Booby Oil in either Cinnamon Schnapps or Electric Lemonade or Creamy Vanilla Screaming Orgasm. Yes. Say it like you mean it.

So while you’re picking up a copy of Best Lesbian Erotica 2005, you might want to consider adding one of these to your order, or trying a search in the Heath & Personal Care section (can I recommend using the search term “dick?”) cause you’re gonna want some assistance while reading Zane Jackson’s “Fags Like Us.” I did. Of course, they don’t sell anything that could replace a boy with hys head in between your legs.