I would like to clarify for the record, before I even begin, that I know with the fullness of my heart that there are millions of very normal, moral, kind and loving Christian people in the world. It should always be remembered that there are different types of religious people. Most are nice, some are bat-shit crazy. The contents of this post is only intended to destroy the bat-shit crazy bigot who would love to destroy you.

As with all sources of immense destructive power, the below statements should be used carefully, with considerable thought and moderation. If you are sure that the religious person deserves it, fire away with all lasers until you have them whimpering on the floor.

Of course, feel free to bookmark this post and return to it for charging of said lasers when you see a comment, post or other anonymous internet rambling from someone trying to be Fred Phelps or Pastor Curtis Knapp of New Hope Baptist Church in Seneca, Kansas – who recently proposed that the US government begin the genocide of all LGBT people. I kid you not, a so-called “Christian” said that.

So, lets begin…

First of all, I will clarify that the following ideals are taken from the same religious texts that the right-wing use to bash gay people. It’s very convenient that those people can selectively choose the demands and statements made in their holy texts. Basically, as long as it facilitates their inherent bigotry and hatred, they’ll use it, but if it’s inconvenient for them, it should be disregarded. They believe that the following should be disregarded while they continue to cling to their hatred of gay people.

Exodus 21:7 sanctions the slavery of women. This allows you to ask the right-wing crazy how much they would sell their daughter or wife for, or if they believe that they should be able to sell their wife or daughter to another man – you know, those gay pay-site memberships can mount up, they need to get the money for their porn fix from somewhere!

Leviticus 15:19 – 24 states that women should be segregated from the rest of society during their “time of the month”. You should ask the crazy how we should arrange this? How do they ensure that they have no contact with a woman during her menstrual period, do they just ask women, or perhaps make them all wear a sign?

By stating Leviticus 25:44 you can ask which neighboring nations they would like to enslave, as it states that we are permitted to do so. Personally, I’m not sure how this would work. Can the French enslave some of the UK, and vice versa? How about Canadians claiming American slaves – come to think of it, Canadians are too cool to own slaves.

Ask the nut-case if he or she works on a Sunday, and if they say yes (can anyone afford not to in this economic crisis?) ask how they would like to be put to death, as is demanded in Exodus 35:2. I think stoning was widely used back then, but I’m a proponent of doing it with love – maybe suggest suffocation by Bunnies?

If they have a nice haircut – maybe one of those Supercuts jobbies – ask them how they get around Leviticus 19:27, which expressly forbids the trimming of hair on the head or of their beard.

Finally, check out what they are wearing and ask them if they have to avoid the local townspeople gathering to stone them each and every day. Leviticus 19:19 states that no clothing woven with two kinds of material shall be worn. I don’t know where the right-wing crazies shop, but I can tell you now it’s hard to find clothing made from only one material without looking like a tribal warrior or at least a 1960’s throwback.

There are a few more examples of the things that the Christian fundamentalist must adhere to, but chooses not to. It can be pretty interesting to read them all, but I’m always concerned that if I read too much I might wake up one morning and think I’m Carrie’s mom or that really freaky bitch from Silent Hill.

Remember folks, most Christians are sensible, normal, kind people who do not really wish you death. But to those who are slightly dangerous or even a little insulting, the above is like Kryptonite! ;)