When I was in grad school getting my M.S. in psych, I subscribed to a magazine that covered many LGBTQI topics that arise in therapy. It was called In the Family. One issue covered the stories of folks who remained in marriages even though they did not identify as straight.

Many people with whom I shared this issue glazed over when they started reading, as if the words “DOES NOT COMPUTE” would appear in their eyes soon.

Others, like me, knew intuitively that there are many reasons why people get married or start certain relationships; and that a person’s emotional, social, and sexual needs are multi layered and complex in ways that other individuals may never comprehend (but may judge anyhow).

I was intrigued then when I heard about Oprah turning attention to gay wives. I didn’t see the episode, so if you did, please chime in. I saw this article by Suzanne Corson at After Ellen.com.

Oprah Winfrey received an email from a woman, married to a man for twenty-five years, who confessed to having a lesbian affair which lasted nearly three years. She explained that she loved her husband but was not in love with him and said she was bitter that she’d probably stay trapped in her passionless marriage for the rest of her life. Thus began the production of an episode for The Oprah Winfrey Show on “Wives Who Confess They are Gay.”

Research for the show yielded the name of a certain Philly therapist:

Once the producers began conducting research for the show–including interviews with more than one hundred women–they kept hearing the name Joanne Fleisher. Fleisher has a popular website, Lavender Visions, which serves as a resource for women questioning their sexuality. In late 2005, Joanne published her book Living Two Lives: A Married Women’s Guide to Loving Women (Alyson Books).

Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman

Fleisher’s own story is one of once being a gay wife:

Fleisher herself knew that isolation. In 1979, while living with her husband of twelve years and their two children in the suburbs, her world changed when she found herself in love with another woman. She found few resources for the pain, fear, and confusion she was experiencing.

About four months after she left her husband, when she was 34, she met the woman who would become her long-term partner. Fleisher’s daughters were seven and nine at the time. Her partner, with whom Fleisher has been for 28 years, helped raise the girls. Fleisher’s ex-husband, who had shared custody, later remarried. They have a friendly relationship now, though there was a great deal of pain at the time of their divorce.

As for the show itself:

Fleisher also wasn’t surprised, since this was, after all, a talk show for television, that some dramatic elements were emphasized and that the women selected to speak were all conventionally attractive.

This bothered me:

Several times during the broadcast, Oprah remarked that from everything she’d read and heard from gay friends, people “always know they’re gay,” though they may sometimes suppress it. Fleisher said that’s not always the case, and pointed out that some of Oprah’s interviewees said they didn’t know until they were older. She explained that some women don’t get to know their true sexuality until they get to know themselves better, as they mature.

I’ve seen this line of reasoning (“but gay people just know they’re gay”) used against folks who are coming out almost as an accusation that they somehow were lying or insincere about their feelings.

The article at After Ellen.com is some good reading, and I certainly didn’t cover it all here.


Jen also blogs at Transcending Gender, A Life Less Convenient, and The Nervous Breakdown. Her book is available here.