Ex-Gay or Ex-Sexual Being?
I’m conflicted about ex-gays. Since I believe homosexuality is genetic and is within us whether we choose to act on our feelings or not, It’s hard for me to believe that one could just learn to un-queer themselves. However, it’s also not my place to tell someone they aren’t an ex-gay or shouldn’t work towards being one if it’s what they want.
Yesterday I clicked over to xgweblog: blog of a former gay guy from a post on blogging from eKapa about reparative therapy and ended up even more lost in the ex-gay world than I was before where I got to this post:
Do you think masturbating to heterosexual fantasies assists in the change process?
I would say an emphatic NO for the following reasons:
* The root causes of the SSA are not touched or healed in any way, so the SSA will always remain
* Heterosexual fantasy can easily lead to homosexual fantasy which would reinforce the old way of thinking
* Viewing women as mere sex objects is merely exchanging one sexual dysfunction for another
* Masturbation is a sign of immaturity, the very immaturity many guys with SSA wish to overcomepost continues
I’m no so sure that heterosexual fantasies easily lead to homosexual ones (if you’re not queer, that is). And I certainly don’t think ridding yourself of all sexual fantasies is a healthy thing to do. I would have imagined a man who wanted to become straight would be encouraged to fantasize about women, but the above post leaves me feeling that there are those who leave a homosexual life and end up with a non-sexual life instead of a heterosexual one.
For those of you interested in ex-gay politics, Ex-Gay Watch is a great blog to check out (I read it regularly) and Anything but Straight: Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth is a good read too.
I think we’re safe, Maria – apparently they only want to save men from the perils of homosexuality ;)
Seriously, though – reparative therapy probably works great for the people who *want* to change. And look – thanks to intolerance, prejudice and mis-information, they’ve probably created a billion dollar industry out of preying on people’s insecurities and religious upbringing.
I’m all for new markets, so long as they don’t decide *I’m* their most desired client – I like my life just fine the way it is, thank you very much!
Seriously, though – reparative therapy probably works great for the people who *want* to change.
Actually, it doesn’t. Maybe for a few, but not for very many, no matter what made-up number of successful ex-gays Exodus (the umbrella ex-gay organization) throws out there. I am one of a large number of ex-ex-gays, who thought we were ex-gay for a time…until reality slammed into us.
Maria, I definitely agree about the asexual thing. That’s more of what I was as an ex-gay, than “straight.” I wouldn’t have thought that at the time, though. I really thought I’d changed. But the thing is, being asexual feels different from being gay, and I wanted so badly to be straight, and I really thought that’s what I had ended up as. In retrospect, it was really a lot of fantasizing about getting married (what I saw as the ultimate proof of “change”) and suppressing my normal same-sex desires and sexuality. It’s not a recipe for long-term success.
Thanks for the commentrs, Sue and Annika.
Sue – Why am I not surprised that you jumped right from ex-gay to new market? LOL
Annika – Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us. I think it’s so important that everyone gets a chance to tell their story.